Now that I can breathe again, now that I can speak again, I realize I’m back to where I was before my darkness.
I want to DO these great things; I want to BE this amazing person; I want to CREATE. But I don’t know how. If someone were to tell me that I could do anything in the world, without worrying about money or childcare or the commute, I wouldn’t have a clue as to what I would do. I’m inspired every day by words and pictures, but I feel like I don’t have it in me to create the same thing.
This might be the plight of the stay-at-home mom. All this time, and nothing to do. Claire goes down for a nap and suddenly I’m alone. There are hundreds of things I SHOULD do; laundry, dusting, dishes, wash the kitchen floor, vacuum. There are dozens of things I would LIKE to do; take pictures, find objects to fit in my new typesetter tray, sew. But, when it comes right down to it, I end up reading or watching TV and then she’s up and it’s back to being a Mommy.
I haven’t grown into this skin; this motherhood. I’ve had 2 years to do it and I still feel like a novice. People mention how good I am with kids (hell, I was offered a job at my local Gymboree. Even more amazingly? I was deep in my depression and it took everything I had just to GET to Gymboree), but I don’t feel like I am. I would rather be good with adults that kids.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s nobody’s fault but my own, I have the resources, and I have the oppurtunity to create, but I don’t. I want to be something other than a wife and mother, but I don’t know who that person is anymore. I’m different, now and I can’t describe it. I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what I want. I know only that I wish everyday that I could be happy.
It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m just not happy. But when asked what would make me happy, I don’t have an answer.
I’m just here.