here.

Now that I can breathe again, now that I can speak again, I realize I’m back to where I was before my darkness.

I want to DO these great things; I want to BE this amazing person; I want to CREATE.  But I don’t know how.  If someone were to tell  me that I could do anything in the world, without worrying about money or childcare or the commute, I wouldn’t have a clue as to what I would do.  I’m inspired every day by words and pictures, but I feel like I don’t have it in me to create the same thing.

This might be the plight of the stay-at-home mom.  All this time, and nothing to do.  Claire goes down for a nap and suddenly I’m alone.  There are hundreds of things I SHOULD do; laundry, dusting, dishes, wash the kitchen floor, vacuum.  There are dozens of things I would LIKE to do; take pictures, find objects to fit in my new typesetter tray, sew.  But, when it comes right down to it, I end up reading or watching TV and then she’s up and it’s back to being a Mommy.

I haven’t grown into this skin; this motherhood.  I’ve had 2 years to do it and I still feel like a novice.  People mention how good I am with kids (hell, I was offered a job at my local Gymboree. Even more amazingly? I was deep in my depression and it took everything I had just to GET to Gymboree), but I don’t feel like I am.  I would rather be good with adults that kids.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s nobody’s fault but my own, I have the resources, and I have the oppurtunity to create, but I don’t.  I want to be something other than a wife and mother, but I don’t know who that person is anymore.  I’m different, now and I can’t describe it.  I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what I want.  I know only that I wish everyday that I could be happy.

It’s not that I’m unhappy.  I’m just not happy.  But when asked what would make me happy, I don’t have an answer.

I’m just here.

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1 Comment

Filed under Random thoughts

One response to “here.

  1. hi hun. glad to see you back at blogging. and i’m glad you’re not in the darkness anymore. i truly hope you find your happiness soon. but you’re right… all you can do is move forward.

    i don’t feel like i have it in me either to create the same things as i see in those blogs. i think they frustrate me more than the inspire me anymore. haha. i gotta stick to what i know and what i’m good at and stop trying to be good at too many things.

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