Do you know what I’m doing right now? I’m sitting at home, by myself. JR took Claire to the mall, or the playgound, or somewhere, I don’t care. I’m BY MYSELF. I don’t remember the last time I was home alone when I didn’t have to do something. I mean, sure, I COULD clean, but I’m not going to. I’m going to sit on the couch and watch TV and revel in the silence.
I haven’t posted in what, a week? because I haven’t had anything GOOD to say. I’ve been having little conversations with myself, reassuring myself, encouraging myself. Telling myself that what I’m dealing with is nothing new, women have done it for hundreds of years, I can too. I’m questioning my abilities as a wife, as a mother, as a PERSON. I’ve been down, and it’s taking longer and longer to pull myself up.
But, I WILL pull myself up. I have to. I keep telling myself that. Every morning I give myself a little pep talk, and I repeat it all day if I have to. By 5 or 6 when JR gets home, I’m about ready to crack. There’s no reason for it. My life isn’t that bad; in fact it’s pretty good. But the challenges I face (however mundane and typically unchallenging) everyday are the ones that push me farther down into the hole I’ve been struggling to get out of for 19 months.
I’ve done pretty well, and I will continue to do well. I won’t let this stop me from trying, everyday, to be a good mother. If Claire doesn’t eat what I offer, I’ll offer other things. If she fights me when I try to put her diaper on, I’ll take a deep breath, count to ten and try again. If she pouts, or cries, or pushes me away, I’ll go back to her. I know she loves me, I know I love her, and I know this phase will pass.
I will ask for help when things get to be too much (even if other people don’t think they are) and I will seek help for myself. I won’t be pulled under, and I won’t go down without a fight.
I will be good for her. I will get better for her.