New Year’s entries…

…from a few years back:

it’s new year’s eve.
this is one of my most favorite nights. so much to expect.
and even though there’s already been a kink in my plans (thanks a lot, L *wink*), i know everything will turn out ok.
i’ll go with my mom to marshall’s party.
-wow, never thought i’d EVER say that-
i’ll try to find shithead. but if i don’t, that’s ok.
i’ll go to matt’s and hear the boys buzzzzzzz at me all night. but at least they won’t talk about the other thing-the last year’s thing.
maybe m will call, maybe not. i’m not holding my breath.
i’ll drink a lot, and smoke way too much.
then i’ll pass out on some bed (yes, i DO get a bed. i’ve been around longer than most of these people, so i get first dibs) and wake up tomorrow afternoon to some kind of video game music in the background.
and that will be my new year’s. nothing fancy. no balloons, no noise makers. we’ll probably forget to count down to midnight. last year at around 1 someone asked what time it was. we looked at the clock, realized it was psat midnight, mumbled “happy new year’s” to the person who was standing next to us, and continued the mass drinking.
crazy times in college.
it’s strange, though, that i go to matt’s. matt, from new braunfels. new braunfels, the place i can’t wait to get away from. why aren’t i in austin, with people i met from college? or even san marcos?
because it’s familiar, i guess. because i feel a small obligation to them. because i haven’t hung out with them very much this year.
i suppose.
whatever. *remembers Tom, the punter*
*sigh* in related news
i miss england.
and i’m done. happy new year’s

go! do it! stop being scared. do something exciting. stop worrying that it’s going to be hard. it will be. being gone for a year is bad enough. but to only have a limited amount of clothing and money…
yes it will be hard. but. i’ll probably never get a chance like this again. part of it is the idea of not having any money until we go. he made me think that he had unlimited amounts of it, that i would never be strapped for cash again. that i would never be worried about how i’m going to pay the bills.
but that’s how it’s going to be for a while. but, the experience will be worth it. right? not everyone has this oppertunity. i talk about wanting to go out and live life; to want to do everything i can to not pass up chances. here it is. my chance.
the thing is
(and this is no excuse, i know),
i’ve never had money. not really. not that we were poor. not by any means. but i want to not worry about it. i want to be able to spend $500 on a chair and not feel bad about it. i’m sitting here, wanting to have that so much, my stomach hurts.
and i belive he can give me that.
he’s so full of promises and expectations.
my mom gave me this book for christmas:
12 steps for highly creative women
i read it and i wonder: could i do that? could i write a novel? paint a painting? inspire someone else?
yes, bad self image is at work here. and so i go back to the king of torts.

I can’t find the one from last year.
Pretty deep, eh?


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